This Machine Rebuilt Again Do I Really Think Im at My Best I Wont Look Back
Love songs are where nosotros get our passion, our soul — and nearly of our worst ideas.
Zippo good can come of this. Photo by Achim Voss/Flickr.
Throughout homo history, oceans have been crossed, mountains accept been scaled, and smashing families have blossomed — all because of a few simple chords and a melody that inflamed a heart and propelled it on a noble, romantic mission.
On the other hand, that fourth dimension you told that daughter you merely started seeing that y'all would "grab a grenade" for her? You did that because of a beloved vocal. And it wasn't exactly a coincidence that she suddenly decided to "lose your number" and move dorsum to Milwaukee to "figure some stuff out."
"Information technology'due south but, my mom. You know? And 50.A. is so hot in the summer. And yeah, my mom." Photograph via iStock.
That time you held that boom box over your caput outside your ex's house? Yous did that because of a love song. And l hours of community service subsequently, you're still not back together.
Honey songs are great. They brand our hearts beat faster. They inspire u.s. to take risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give us terrible, terrible ideas near how actual, real-life human relationships should work.
They're amazing. So amazing. And also terrible.
Here are six love songs that sound romantic but aren't, and one song that doesn't sound romantic simply totally is:
1. "God Only Knows," by The Embankment Boys
Yous can keep your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Get Arounds," and your "Help me Rhondas."
When it comes to The Beach Boys, "God Only Knows" is where it'southward at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy tune. A tie-dye swirl of audio. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the most heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.
Youth! Youth! Youth! Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images.
Here's why it sounds romantic:
I may not always beloved y'all
But long as in that location are stars above you
You lot never need to incertitude it
I'll make you and then sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you
If you're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your beloved and not playing "God Only Knows" on your iPod, you lot should actually stop and starting time over.
If you lot're lazily bumping a beach ball over a volleyball internet and "God Only Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the dorsum of your mind, you need to rethink the choices that got you lot to this point.
If you're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you're non underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Only Knows," you are doing it wrong.
Hippies, likely on their way to a mud frolic. Photo past Colin Davey/Getty Images.
It'due south a song that just feels like love. Pure love. Immature dearest. Love with a chill, kelp-y vibe.
What could exist incorrect with that?
Hither'southward why it's actually really, really unromantic:
There's aught incorrect with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-top notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their hair as they autumn comatose while you lot whisper the consummate works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.
"Miles Ryan stood on the back porch of his house, smoking a cigarette..." Photo by hatchettebookgroup.biz.
But there is such a thing as loving someone a skosh likewise much.
If you should ever leave me
Though life would notwithstanding go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what expert would living do me?
Expect, I get it. Breakups suck. There's no getting around that. Simply good God.
There's a huge difference between saying: "Hey babe, you are my first and foremost everything and I'll be bummed if yous get." And saying: "Welp, you accepted that job in Seattle, and then I'yard just gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and telephone call it a life."
But that'south pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line...
God only knows what I'd exist without you
...horror-moving picture creepy. Because the answer, patently, is: "I'd be a corpse!"
Ah well. Nosotros had a practiced run. Photo via iStock.
That'southward non love. That's codependency (to put it mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. It's a form of emotional abuse.
Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in whatever relationship — one that, by definition, might 1 day end — is putting a lot of eggs in i basket. Certain, God may only know what you'd exist without her, just God probably also hopes you have, I don't know, some hobbies. Take a yoga course. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.
"Yeah! Hell yeah! What was her name again?" Photo by Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Assistants.
One person cannot be anyone's be-all and end-all. Information technology'southward likewise stressful. And it prevents you from doing you, which is a matter that's gotta be done earlier yous tin do anything else.
No wonder she took that job in Seattle.
2. "Treasure," past Bruno Mars
Sure, it's a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson vocal y'all've e'er heard. Merely, we don't take Michael Jackson anymore, and as tribute acts go, you lot could do a lot worse than Bruno Mars.
Look at that face. That confront! Photograph by Brothers Le/Flickr.
Here'southward why the song sounds romantic:
Treasure, that is what y'all are
Love, you're my golden star
You know you tin make my wish come true
If yous allow me treasure you
If you let me treasure y'all
Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an eighth-course make-out party and yous'll likely become an instant toll laissez passer on the highway to tongue-town (ew).
Pass them to your spouse and, chances are, appointment dark is going to culminate in 47 minutes of celibate-nevertheless-passionate frenching.
Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a stop sign, and they volition call up you're weird — but probably yet make out with you.
In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to make out with America because of this song.
This is what happens when you lot write "Treasure" and you lot're on stage with Michelle Obama. Photo by Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.
And I'm OK with that.
Merely, here's why "Treasure" isn't as romantic as it seems:
Everything about "Treasure" is retro. Everything.
Including its attitudes well-nigh gender.
"Children, have I e'er told you what I shouted at your mother on the street the first time we met?" Photo by Jacobsen/Getty Images.
Things showtime to go southward correct from the very beginning:
Give me your, requite me your, give me your attention, infant
I gotta tell you a trivial something about yourself
Ah aye. Cipher screams "respect" quite similar a man lecturing a strange woman on the street about something she "doesn't know about herself."
What could information technology be? Could it be that her jokes are funny? Could it be that she's got something in her teeth? Could information technology be that her nonfiction book about early modern German history is extremely detailed and informative?
"Thanks for teaching me all near Martin Luther's bible!" Photograph past Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Commons.
Spoiler Alert: It's none of those.
You're wonderful, flawless, ooh, yous're a sexy lady
Simply you walk around here similar you wanna be someone else
Oh. It's that she's sexy. Absurd, bro. Very original.
Give-and-take of advice? Regardless of how she'southward walking, the lady knows she's sexy. Fifty-fifty if she doesn't, information technology really doesn't affect her twenty-four hour period-to-solar day so much that you, a consummate stranger, need to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).
Then what if she does want to be someone else? I'd love to exist someone else! I think being Ryan Gosling would be quite nice. A proficient way to spend a iii-24-hour interval weekend.
Sure, there'd be an adjustment period... Photo by Eamonn Grand. McCormack/Getty Images.
And so later, of course, the narrator can't help himself:
Pretty daughter, pretty girl, pretty girl, y'all should be smiling
A girl similar you should never look so blue.
He respects her so much, he's actually straight-up telling her to smile! Much like Mars' grapheme "Uptown Funk," who appears to get off on angrily exhorting girls to "hitting [their] hallelujah." Which, you know, I gauge everybody's got a affair.
Aye, in the world of "Treasure," a salubrious relationship is an unending stream of a human being complimenting a foreign adult female and said woman being so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex activity."
He then proceeds to talk to his potential lover like the globe's creepiest pirate:
You are my treasure, you are my treasure
Yous are my treasure, yeah, you, you lot, you, y'all are
You are my treasure, you are my treasure
You are my treasure, yeah, you lot, you, you, you are
Past this betoken, in his mind, she'south a literal thing. An object. Which is fitting.
I suppose it could be worse, though. At least she's not only any affair.
GIF from "The Two Towers."
That's ... something, right?
3. "Don't Think Twice, It'south All Right," by Bob Dylan
For as long as humans take been dating each other, humans have been breaking up with each other. And "Don't Think Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going down in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.
Bob Dylan, a guy who is good at writing songs that a lot of people like. Photograph by William Lovelace/Getty Images.
Here'southward why it sounds romantic:
Well, information technology ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
Fifty-fifty you don't know by now
And information technology ain't no use to sit down and wonder why, babe
Information technology'll never do somehow
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window, and I'll be gone
Y'all're the reason I'm a-traveling on
But don't remember twice, it's all right.
Boom. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits state of affairs like whoa.
"Don't Think Twice" is a raw song. An honest song. A powerful song. It'southward the vocal your older sis played on continuous loop for six months subsequently her boyfriend left for college. The song that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to leave her depository financial institution-teller chore, load her four Australian shepherds into the van, and open a wind chinkle store in Mendocino. The vocal your friend'due south cool dad always wants to play when he invited your high school band over to his apartment to jam.
"What timbre are you looking for?" Photo by Sharon Ang/Pixabay.
Sure, it'south almost the end of a relationship, merely information technology sounds romantic. And at the cease of the day, shouldn't that exist enough?
Hither's why information technology's actually sooooo messed up:
Relationships end. For a lot of reasons. And while at that place is no right way to call it quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties can certainly do good from a difficult, honest discussion about what went wrong.
It's not me, Joan. Information technology's you. 100% you. Photo by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.
In "Don't Think Twice," that word basically boils down to: "It's your fault."
Permit'due south review the reasons the dude in "Don't Think Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:
I gave her my heart, just she wanted my soul
Ugh, women, right? Yous're all like, "Babe, I simply have and so much unspecified love to give," and she's similar, "Take out the trash!" And you lot're similar, "Only baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my heart exist plenty?" And she's like, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole house, fed the dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the week. All I demand you to do is accept out the trash." And you're like, "Y'all're aimless me out. I'yard gonna go play guitar." And and so she gets all mad! What did you do? Why is she trying to change you? UGH!
You lot could take done better, but I don't mind
Yes. You practise mind! You mind! You wrote a vocal well-nigh it, yous passive-aggressive prick.
Yous merely kinda wasted my precious fourth dimension
Ah aye. Your fourth dimension is so precious! Think near all the hours you wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of human partnership when you lot could have been futzing effectually with that dwelling house-mash kit.
Yes, this was worth it. Photograph past Bill Bradford/Flickr.
The minute yous start breaking it down, the message of "Don't Think Twice" suddenly starts to seem a lot less romantic. Similar your sister'southward ex-boyfriend, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in town for a while and now might be in jail. Like your aunt's air current chime store, which would have closed forever ago had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Like your friend's cool dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying child support.
"Y'all kids want a beer? No i's under 13, right?" Photo via iStock.
Oh yeah, and the song's narrator also point-blank refers woman he'due south leaving as:
A child, I'm told
That's correct. In add-on to being a run-of-the-mill passive-aggressive jerk — turns out, he'southward also possibly a pedophile.
Even if we are to accept that this is a metaphor and she's not actually a child — which there's no indication it is, but OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly choose an immature partner reflects way more than poorly on him than it does on her.
Breaking up with anyone in such a cruel, dismissive way is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.
Which, I suppose, may be the bespeak.
4. "Leaving on a Jet Plane," by John Denver
Who has 2 thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk song about hurtling through the stratosphere in a giant aluminum tube at 600 miles per hour?
This guy. Photograph by Hughes Tv set Network/Wikimedia Eatables.
Hither's why it sounds romantic:
"Leaving on a Jet Aeroplane" is a lovely vocal. And impressive in its loveliness considering jet planes were withal kind of new at the time information technology was written.
'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet airplane
To a modern ear, this would be sort of like singing, "I'm a scoooting away on my hoverboooooard," only in a style that's somehow still folksy and heartbreaking and singable past nine-year-olds at summer campsite. Not easy to do!
Oh babe, I hate to go
You lot see — he hates to go! He only hates information technology! We know this, because he tells us he hates information technology. And why would he hate to go if he didn't love his partner but that much?
See ya! Photo past Altair78/Wikimedia Eatables.
Why indeed?
Hither's why it'southward actually not that romantic at all:
All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the earth tin can only distract so much from the fact that the song's main character is well, kind of a jerkweed.
And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn't actually seem similar he hates beingness away all that much:
At that place's then many times I've let y'all downwardly
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
"Babe, I promise! All the movies I watched lone while yous were abode nursing the quadruplets. All the times I drained our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to practice! Really fun. Like, I had a fantastic time. But balance bodacious — completely empty, in an ontological sense."
"As empty every bit this bed I only finished having sex with someone else in." Photo via iStock.
Yeah, when yous break information technology down, "Leaving on a Jet Plane," is less of a passionate tribute to dear overcoming distance and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he's "good" despite all prove to the contrary.
And for all he claims to be broken upward nearly having to part from his ane and only, the dude seems pretty excited about the flight. Oh, you're leaving on a jet airplane, are you? Are you Zone i? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter nearly the "terrible" Cibo express salad you were forced to choke down as you sat waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious adventure?
"Life so hard @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photo by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.
He continues:
Ev'ry place I go, I'll call back of you
Ev'ry vocal I sing, I'll sing for you
Ah cool. He'll think about her while strumming and making "my love is fragile as the morning dew" optics at a waif-y grad student in the front row. That pretty much makes up for it all.
Then he demands:
So osculation me and grinning for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Afterwards all the betrayal and heartbreak, afterward basically revealing himself to be a grade-A sleaze who can't be trusted, he still has the gall to tell her to expect? To wait for him?
And here'southward the kicker:
When I come up back, I'll bring your wedding ring
Ah yes. He'll put a ring on it. Finally.
"Ehhhhhhh...." Photo via iStock.
Unlike all the previous trips, where he's cheated a billion times, drained the family banking concern business relationship, and just been a full general screwup and disappointment.
But yeah. This time he says he'll bring dorsum a wedding ring.
I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks dorsum.
5. "When a Man Loves a Woman," Percy Sledge
When you look up "soul" in the lexicon, the book plays you a recording of this song.
Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo past Gene Pugh/Flickr.
Specifically, it plays y'all the very first line.
Here's why it audio very romantic:
When a man loves a woman
Sure, you lot can write the lyrics down, but it doesn't even come close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The succulent, delicious pain-belting:
WHEN A MAN LOVES A Woman
Closer ... but still no.
WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!
Yes! Sing it, Percy Sledge!
Information technology's an elemental lyric.
It's a heart-shattering lyric.
It's a lyric that demands you lot put your dorsum into it.
It's perfection.
As long as you don't keep listening.
Here's why the vocal is actually pretty horrifying:
From the opening lines of "When a Man Loves a Woman," we know that, at least on occasion, a man loves a woman.
Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said woman?
He'd surrender all his comforts
And slumber out in the rain
If she said that's the way
It ought to exist.
Whoa! OK. No. Dorsum up. A man, no matter how devoted, no matter how selfless, no matter how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a homo will dice of exposure and hypothermia.
Turn his dorsum on his best friend if he put her down.
No! Jeez. No. A human can't put up with that kind of isolating beliefs. A man needs friends! Once a man's whole support system erodes out from nether him, a human will be biting, ungrounded, and alone. And a man's mental wellness volition deteriorate.
I gave you lot everything I have
Tryin' to hold on to your heartless dear
Babe, please don't treat me bad.
This is not what happens "when a man loves a woman." It'southward what happens when a human loves a controlling, manipulative adult female. An abusive woman. A woman who, in truth, only loves a woman. Herself.
"It'southward Chris or me." Photo by geralt/Pixabay.
And that'southward not good for you.
Run, Percy Sledge, run! Nosotros're here for you.
(Side notation: Lest it become unsaid, at that place is way more than one fashion for a homo to honey a woman. Mayhap they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the olfactory organ. Maybe they sleep in separate bedrooms. Maybe they dress up in large, plush cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a man loves a human, I imagine it feels much the same. Or when a adult female loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)
Regardless of the depth of commitment, living situation, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, there's no one-size-fits-all love solution. Every human relationship is a unique snowflake. Variety is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. There'south more than one way to skin a cat. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine become down.
It doesn't thing if information technology's the right metaphor, every bit long as it's a metaphor. Photo by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.
Betoken being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And delight, seek help! You tin can do this! And if you ever find yourself in a like state of affairs, please give these people a phone call.
half-dozen. "All I Wanna Practise is Make Love to You," Heart
Honestly, Center could sing a listing of the almost popular AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie's Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/World's Best Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and information technology would make me want to bawl my eyes out in the arms of a tall, night stranger at the end of a pier.
This song is perfect. You lot should always be listening to it. If you're not listening to it at present, smack yourself in the face and Google it. Information technology's simply that important.
I am singing the phone volume. You lot are weeping like a tiny baby. Photo past FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.
So much passion. So much pain. So much hair.
Here'southward why information technology sounds romantic:
Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Centre sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a primal tribute to the one truthful romantic fantasy shared past every living being on Earth: picking upwardly an unnervingly attractive homo for ane night of mind-blowing sex and then releasing him back into the wild to bone — merely never quite as compellingly always again.
They sing:
It was a rainy dark when he came into sight
Standing by the road, no umbrella, no coat
So I pulled up alongside and I offered him a ride
He accepted with a smile and then nosotros collection for a while
I don't have to get on considering you know what happens side by side, and it'due south crawly.
"I just sit down in this cabin. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photograph by Rene Asmussen/Pexels.
Now, here'southward why this vocal is non romantic at all:
The human relationship in "All I Wanna Practise" seems also expert to be true. And it is. Because it's not an equally loving ,or even equally brawny, pairing at all.
Information technology'southward a...
Information technology's a...
Well. You know what it is:
Good at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photo by Pikawil/Flickr.
For a while, things are humming along only fine, similar any wholesome, illicit, anonymous affair should:
I didn't inquire him his name, this lonely boy in the rain
Fate, tell me it's right, is this dear at first sight?
Sure, many of the states might hesitate to pick up a strange leather-jacket-clad man standing on the side of the route for a no-strings-attached spiral, but our narrator just has a feeling about this guy, and sometimes, yous gotta go with your gut.
I can respect that.
We made magic that nighttime
He did everything right
Dandy! Seems similar information technology was a good decision. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off big fourth dimension.
Simply then, without warning, the song starts to audio less like an all-time great romance and more like a story men'south rights activists tell each other as they vape effectually a campfire:
I told him "I am the flower, you are the seed
Nosotros walked in the garden, we planted a tree
Don't try to discover me, please don't you lot dare
Merely live in my memory, you'll always be at that place"
I'm not a poet. Symbolic language often eludes me. Simply unless "bloom," "seed," "garden," and "tree," all of a sudden hateful wildly dissimilar things in the context of human reproduction than they accept since sex was beginning invented in the early on-1970s, nosotros're talking well-nigh a surprise, non-mutually-consensual pregnancy!
HELLO! Photo by Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Eatables.
Of grade, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. You might be tempted to think, "Maybe Heart meant something else by that."
To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:
And then it happened 1 day
We came circular the same fashion
You lot can imagine his surprise
When he saw his own optics
There are 2 possibilities hither.
One: The narrator of the song is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York City subway advertisement from nine years ago:
Photo by eyedonation.org.
Or two: She totally conned a dude into whipping up a baby on the sly.
I said, "Please, delight empathise
Ah, sure. Aye. No worries.
I'm in love with some other homo
Cool, so this all makes sense and is in no way the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has now wrecked not 1 but ii lives.
And what he couldn't give me, oh, no
Was the one little thing that yous can"
A HUMAN LIFE! A Real SENTIENT Homo LIFE THAT IS Not INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!
The best you can say about that is that it's not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket human probably should accept been responsible for his ain birth control. Or, at the very least, asked more than questions .
Only ... it's non cute. Information technology's non romantic (fifty-fifty the Wilson sisters themselves agree).
And at the cease of the day, the shadiest character in this song is somehow non the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the night.
Which... is saying something.
But in that location is a love song that is truly, madly, securely perfect. An unassailable track in a sea of problematic faves.
A song that does everything right.
A vocal that paints a portrait of a good for you partnership built to concluding.
A song that can double as a manual for the platonic human romantic human relationship.
And that song is...
"Processed Shop," by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia
Hither's why you might be — OK, almost definitely are — skeptical:
50 Cent (L) and that guy. You know, that guy? That guy! Photograph by Ethan Miller/Getty Images.
Every bit tricky as "Candy Shop" is, every bit fun it is to dance to, and as cathartic every bit it tin can be to scream in the middle of a crowded fraternity firm at 2 a.thousand., there's no getting effectually the fact that the song begins like this:
I'll accept you to the processed store
I'll let you lick the lollipop
I'll postal service that again, in instance yous missed some of the dash:
I'll take you to the processed shop
I'll let you lick the lollipop
Way to take one for the team, narrator of "Candy Shop"!
At first glance, "Candy Shop" is nobody's thought of a classic love vocal.
The lyrics are ... unusually forrad. The beat is kinda basic. The hook is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily by in "Homeland."
OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."
It doesn't become played much anymore. When it does resurface, it feels ... kinda dated. Similar watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Burn" on your new Xbox 360.
Information technology's not a song you lot'd put on a mixtape for your trounce. It'due south not a song you'd play for your spouse when the kids are at dwelling with the bodyguard and you lot've got nine hours to tear up the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It'south certainly non a song you lot'd include on the video photo montage you made for your grandparents' argent anniversary.
It'southward just not.
But it should be.
So here it is. Hither's why "Candy Shop" by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect human relationship song:
You wanna dorsum that thing up or should I push up on it? Photo by ionasnicolae/Pixabay.
The bass drum hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission slip. Information technology's merely been xx seconds, and you lot're already getting ready to hang it up with "Processed Shop."
Simply then ... over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a phenomenon occurs — in the form of a female vocalization joining the rails, cutting through the din similar a clarion call.
She sings:
I'll take yous to the candy shop (yeah)
Male child, i taste of what I got (uh-huh)
I'll have yous spendin' all you lot got (come on)
Proceed going 'til you lot hit the spot, whoa
Information technology'southward common! Information technology'southward common! They're performing oral sex on each other!
Ring the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!
Go, cunnilingus doves, go! Photo by liz west/Flickr.
50 Cent himself may not exist the globe's greatest partner — for example, according to i of his exes, he's done some pretty unforgivable things.
Just the narrator of "Candy Store"? He gets it:
You could have it your way, how do y'all desire it?
Rather than simply imposing his desires on the person he's with — a la the dude in "God Only Knows ("I'm going to invest my entire sense of self-worth in you!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'm going to treat y'all similar a chest full of golden doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Practice is Make Beloved to You," ("I'm going to pull a fast one on you into knocking me up!") — the "Candy Shop" guy really asks his partner what she wants.
Which, in the earth of popular music, is adept for about fifty,000 trillion points.
And where are they going to exercise it? The hotel? Back of the rental? The beach? The park?
Information technology'south whatever you're into
'Cause consent is sexy!
I own't finished teaching y'all 'bout how sprung I got ya
The narrator of "Candy Shop" is certainly ... believing almost his desires.
Simply here's the central thing: the lady on the receiving stop of those desires? She's clearly into it. And we know this because she says so.
The lines of consent in "Candy Shop" are bright cherry-red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly glutinous club flooring.
Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photograph by Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.
Girl what we practise ...
And where we practise ...
The things we do ...
Are just between me and yous
No matter how nasty they freak, it will exist intimate. It will be individual. There will be no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).
If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho
Sexual compatibility is cardinal to the survival of any relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very possibly in the instance of "Candy Shop") minutes long.
She may have a loftier sex drive, but dude is graciously offering to accommodate her. What a admirer! These crazy kids just might go the distance later all.
And at the stop of the twenty-four hours, what is a relationship but two nymphos, sharing health insurance?
Thank you, Obamacare! Photo by Wonderlane/Flickr.
Information technology'south like it'south a race who could go undressed quicker
Again, everybody is having a great time. And, critically, an equally keen time.
I bear upon the right spot at the correct time
Of course, it wouldn't be a pop/hip-hop hit without a spot of random braggadocio, but if we're to take him at his word, "Candy Shop" guy is at least as good at "doing everything right" as the bearding hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You lot" — except without all the creepy surprise infant nonsense.
The "Candy Shop" guy is a keeper. Because he'southward not a hero or a stranger in the night or a funky, shimmering honey god. He's a good partner.
"Candy Store" is raunchy. It's dirty. It's not your grandmother's love song.
But when y'all strip away the swagger, the dorsum trounce, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Middle Eastern Music 1993," by the finish of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the terminate of the day, isn't that what a healthy relationship is all well-nigh?
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Photo past Francois Durand/Getty Images.
So seductive.
Source: https://www.upworthy.com/6-songs-that-seem-romantic-but-arent-and-one-that-seems-like-it-isnt-but-is
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